A Harsh Reality.. In My Opinion

I've been letting this next post kinda marinate for a week now.  I know I have strong feelings about the topic... I just hope I am able to express my thoughts keeping the big picture in mind and that those reading will not get caught up in being politically correct.  Maybe, just let what you read sit with you for awhile before becoming offended or angry :)  If  you feel differently, I would love to hear your thoughts too.

I've always had this thing about trying to make sure Sadie looked 'cute'.  I have three older girls, so pretty dresses, cute hair styles, fashionable outfits is no new thing around the Teague home.  But, with Sadie... I have found myself a bit more controlling about it.  That doesn't mean I always succeed- especially those days I am literally sitting on Sadie's back and brushing her hair like a bad round of WWF.  There has been the not so cute bangs, the very short bangs, the too short and tight shirts that caressed her Buddha belly, and the jeans that either a) are too short or b) are too big causing her to have a bad case of 'plumber butt'; but overall she leaves looking clean and cute.

I'm no fool!  I know this is a case of pride and in the grand scheme of things is very worldly and her outfit will make her no better of a person.  I've tried to loosen up- really I have.  I know exactly why Sadie looking 'cute' is important to me.  You know why too... Chances are you probably won't say it out loud.  That would be awful and shallow.

Now, let's go back a week.  I'm sitting in the first class of the school year at the Learning Program through our local Down Syndrome Association.  The topic (not word for word) was basically 'How to have a successful relationship with your child's school'.  To say I was overwhelmed with all the information being pelted in our direction would be an understatement.  I made a few notes under the 'if I ever get super powers' category.  Great ideas, support, and action plans for being that approachable and easy to work with mama.  Then, like it was an after thought, the presenter says something like 'You always want  your kids to look good.  Don't think you can always shop at target.  Go buy the nice surf shirt- Heck, I spend more money on his clothes than I do mine.  If you think people want to work with someone who is not nicely groomed... think again.  Sometimes I see a child and think- that would look dorky on a kid without Down Syndrome.  Please don't wear that!'

Your probably thinking... wow, lady- harsh!  Because that is the PC thing to do.  The 'everyone is a child of God and we are all beautiful in the inside' thing to do.  I wish that was what I was thinking; but it wasn't.  I was like, "Amen sister!  I am a believer."  Yeah, I'm embarrassed.  I like to think 'I don't judge a book by it's cover'.  I like to think I look in the inside and embrace a person's soul.  Why then, do I feel so strongly about my Sadie 'looking cute'?

BECAUSE.... that's why.  Because, people do like working with nice looking people.  Because, kids like to have friends that look cool.  Because, I don't want shallow people to only see DS when they see my Sadie... BECAUSE she is so much more!  Because, no matter what I believe about everyone being a child of God and everyone being equal in His eyes... THE WORLD DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!

Just yesterday, I was picking up Sadie from a church activity.  A friend I have known all of Sadie's life was sharing some observations she had while teaching the girls how to exercise.  Basically she said Sadie is so cute (over and over) and then shared with me that  her son and daughter-in-law (in her late 30's) have not had a child yet.  Because of her age she has a higher risk for having a child with DS.  She then said after watching Sadie (and  other Down's kids- her words don't slam me) she sees how easy going and loving they are (haha, easy going- what?).  Then she said, "it wouldn't be so bad.  It would be nice.  Not that I would ever wish for it; but it would be good if it happened".  Before you get all DS advocate on her- she was honest, loving, and she has not made the journey we have... so I took it as a compliment; because I truly believe that is where it was coming from.  Anyway, until yesterday because she had never worked directly with her... all she knew of Sadie was how cute she was dressed on Sunday, how cute she looked singing infront of the congregation, and how much we adored her.

I think my daughter shared a good example of what I am trying to say.  She had a friend in school who had a deformed hand.  My daughter is no stranger to accepting others and how the differences in others do not define who they are. However, a couple of weeks ago she said, 'Mom, she is so cool.  For the longest time all I could think about was her hand.  Now that I know her... I hardly remember her hand.' 

I wish everyone knew my Sadie for who she really is.  She is funny, smart, stubborn, kind, loving, crazy, and compassionate.  Unfortunately, that is not who a majority of the world sees when they first meet her.  Too many see Down Syndrome.  Until they can peel the layers and get to know the real Sadie... I'm going to play the game and dress her cute!

A 17 yr. old, 900 miles, a roomate, and a new life....

What do you see when you look at this picture?

I see someone who has found her wings. 

Someone who has discovered her divine potential

and has found courage and confidence...

I see someone who is happy, validated, and hopeful....

and I am GRATEFUL!

Blogging vs. Pinterest and Super Moms

Blogging vs. Pinterest - that my friends has been my delima.  It all started last semester when I went from taking Madison to school 3-4 days a week to driving in her math assignment and the occasional testing.  It's like I was fired (gladly) from a part time job that kept me going from early morning until school pickup and afterschool activities.  So, naturally the question would be... "What ever would I do with all my new found time?" 

Honestly, the first month was spent recovering and watching TV if I am to be completely honest.  Then I spent the following month with Dance, dance, dance - costumes, shows, tryouts, etc.  Lastly, I spent a lot of time doing little home improvements.  So... here I sit with lots of thoughts and creative energy ready to be let go and my next fork in the road found me looking to one side- my blog.  I've missed being able to spill my thoughts; but I haven't missed the emotions it brings up- which of course leads to sleepless nights and grumpy mom in the morning.  And down the other road? This road I see all my friends having a blast on Pinterest turning all their creative energy into yummy meals, cute decorating projects, and of course 'the never to be topped' teacher gifts.  Oh, the delima which I faced...

My blog won!  I know the days of browsing and reading blogs has passed; but frankly, I find it cheaper than therapy and I don't have to do my hair and makeup! So, my journey begins.... AGAIN.  So much has happened in the past 6 months I can't even imagine where to start.  I will leave you with an article I was featured in for OC FAMILY about Super Moms.  DISCLAIMER: I have never claimed to be a Supermom; infact I am very honest that most days I wake up hoping for the best and going to sleep wishing for a 'do-over'.  And in the past 7 years I have spent more hours in 'timeout' or crying in my room than all four of my children combined.  The article was taken from 4 1/2 pages of typed responses- so, it is a very abbrevated short version of all the things we talked about.  I will most likely post the whole interview (in pieces) because while answering the questions I did a lot of soul searching and learned a lot about myself.

Here's the article:

http://digital.ocfamily.com/gallery/view.asp?seq=183642&path=120503171155 (PAGE 72)

http://www.ocfamily.com/t-Cover-Story-Supermoms-in-Orange-County-z4-Kari-Teague.aspx

I Would Take This Journey Again... If I Had the Choice!

6 1/2 years ago when Sadie was born there were tears; but the tears weren't so much for grieving the "perfect child" we lost. They were tears of fear. Of not knowing how her disability would affect our family. Tears that I wouldn't be able to parent a child with special needs along with the three I already had. I was scared about the couple of dozen "possible" medical issues we needed to rule out and worried about how to homeschool and attend all the therapy and Dr. visits.

I guess I never really allowed myself to focus on what we lost. It could have to do with our religious belief that Sadie is exactly who she is suppose to be and that Heavenly Father loves her. We also believe that in the pre-existence Sadie fought hard during the war in Heaven before Satan and his 1/3 were cast out. It is believed that Sadie was a valiant warrior who has been blessed by Heavenly Father to still come to earth and gain a body and a family; but because of the Down Syndrome she will be shielded from Satan and his cunning ways. Therefore, she is blessed with protection here on earth and will be restored to 'perfection' in eternity.

Several weeks ago I posted a facebook status saying something along the lines of how I guess I should just face the fact that I shouldn't have anymore babies since I had my hands full and one graduating HS this year. I was surprised to hear some say I had too many kids (in a very nice, based on religious views and upringing way). I made the joke that if I only had two I would have missed out on Hannah and Sadie... that would be sooo sad. Not only would I have missed out on two of the most colorful, fun-loving, entertaining, and full of life kids; but I would have missed out on Down Syndrome, the down syndrome community, and what living with a child with ds has done FOR our family. Noticed how I said FOR and not TO? I think you get the picture :)

Anyway, today I am 9 weeks along in a very "SURPRISE" pregnancy. I won't get into how many crazy feelings and adjustments we have been through; but I would like to make a point. On Friday, after some red flags, we went into the Dr. to find out the baby was measuring three weeks behind and there was no heartbeat. I knew I didn't have the dates wrong; mostly because that date would put me conceiving the day I took the test (which was very much positive). I knew the pregnancy was over... and today that was confirmed.

So, I sit here... grieving for the baby I am losing. For reals... losing! It is a very different feeling than when they place a beautiful almond eyed floppy girl on my chest and I knew the girl I had spent so many months dreaming of would never be joining our family. No... I can honestly say that any tears shed that day were NOT tears of grieving. I had my sweet little baby. My little girl. A daughter of God. She was alive and was ready to be loved by her family. Down Syndrome is not a death sentence. Far from it! Down Syndrome is a hurdle. A journey that has many ups and downs and tears along the way; but a journey filled with laughs, hugs, snuggles, cheers, and memories. A journey I would take again any day... if I had the choice!

Parable of the Butterfly

We used this poem for a lesson once about individual worth. It hit me hard because it was about the time of Sadie's transition into public school at the age of three. I spent the first three years of her life doing hands on therapy and trying to save her life. At three I was asked to surrender my role at co-therapist and trust the school system to know, love and teach my child 3 1/2 hours a day. This poem gave me a little understanding and faith in God's will.

Parable of the Butterfly

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.
Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!

I asked for Strength.....And God gave me Difficulties

to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom.....And God gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity.....And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage.....And God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love.....And God gave me Troubled people to help.
I asked for Favors.....And God gave me Opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted ....And everything I needed!