I Would Take This Journey Again... If I Had the Choice!

6 1/2 years ago when Sadie was born there were tears; but the tears weren't so much for grieving the "perfect child" we lost. They were tears of fear. Of not knowing how her disability would affect our family. Tears that I wouldn't be able to parent a child with special needs along with the three I already had. I was scared about the couple of dozen "possible" medical issues we needed to rule out and worried about how to homeschool and attend all the therapy and Dr. visits.

I guess I never really allowed myself to focus on what we lost. It could have to do with our religious belief that Sadie is exactly who she is suppose to be and that Heavenly Father loves her. We also believe that in the pre-existence Sadie fought hard during the war in Heaven before Satan and his 1/3 were cast out. It is believed that Sadie was a valiant warrior who has been blessed by Heavenly Father to still come to earth and gain a body and a family; but because of the Down Syndrome she will be shielded from Satan and his cunning ways. Therefore, she is blessed with protection here on earth and will be restored to 'perfection' in eternity.

Several weeks ago I posted a facebook status saying something along the lines of how I guess I should just face the fact that I shouldn't have anymore babies since I had my hands full and one graduating HS this year. I was surprised to hear some say I had too many kids (in a very nice, based on religious views and upringing way). I made the joke that if I only had two I would have missed out on Hannah and Sadie... that would be sooo sad. Not only would I have missed out on two of the most colorful, fun-loving, entertaining, and full of life kids; but I would have missed out on Down Syndrome, the down syndrome community, and what living with a child with ds has done FOR our family. Noticed how I said FOR and not TO? I think you get the picture :)

Anyway, today I am 9 weeks along in a very "SURPRISE" pregnancy. I won't get into how many crazy feelings and adjustments we have been through; but I would like to make a point. On Friday, after some red flags, we went into the Dr. to find out the baby was measuring three weeks behind and there was no heartbeat. I knew I didn't have the dates wrong; mostly because that date would put me conceiving the day I took the test (which was very much positive). I knew the pregnancy was over... and today that was confirmed.

So, I sit here... grieving for the baby I am losing. For reals... losing! It is a very different feeling than when they place a beautiful almond eyed floppy girl on my chest and I knew the girl I had spent so many months dreaming of would never be joining our family. No... I can honestly say that any tears shed that day were NOT tears of grieving. I had my sweet little baby. My little girl. A daughter of God. She was alive and was ready to be loved by her family. Down Syndrome is not a death sentence. Far from it! Down Syndrome is a hurdle. A journey that has many ups and downs and tears along the way; but a journey filled with laughs, hugs, snuggles, cheers, and memories. A journey I would take again any day... if I had the choice!

I'm going get me back- and a get Wii too!!!

So, I've decided it's about 5 weeks until Sadie's 4th birthday and I'm tired of stressing, grieving and using her as an excuse not to take care of myself! I've made a commitment to myself to spend the next 5 weeks focusing on finding me- emotionally, physically and spiritually. So, I started with going to the gym today for 1 hour on the eliptica machine. I burned over 500 calories... awesome! I'm going to write a positive thing about myself everyday and read an church article or scriptures. Here's some extra incentive... Scott agreed that if I exercise for 30 calendar days (excluding Sundays) we can get a Wii. Yeah!!!!!!

EMOTIONAL HEALTH - So here's my positive thing- My most valued role is mother. I live and breathe for my kids. I care sooo much about their welfare that I screw up. I get high strung and stressed... WAIT THIS IS SUPPOSE TO BE POSITIVE... I love my kids so much I would do anything for them.

PHYSICAL HEALTH - gym 1 hour- over 500 calories!!

SPIRITUAL HEALTH - When Life Is Getting You Down
By Val D. MacMurray, Ph.D.

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=251f05481ae6b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1

"The idea that all stress is bad and should be avoided is only one of the myths of stress. Another myth goes to the other extreme: “Stress is unavoidable, so why try?” The truth is really somewhere in between. The most intelligent way of managing stress is to take a look at your life and plan to reduce or eliminate unnecessary stress. "

Parable of the Butterfly

We used this poem for a lesson once about individual worth. It hit me hard because it was about the time of Sadie's transition into public school at the age of three. I spent the first three years of her life doing hands on therapy and trying to save her life. At three I was asked to surrender my role at co-therapist and trust the school system to know, love and teach my child 3 1/2 hours a day. This poem gave me a little understanding and faith in God's will.

Parable of the Butterfly

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.
Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!

I asked for Strength.....And God gave me Difficulties

to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom.....And God gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity.....And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage.....And God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love.....And God gave me Troubled people to help.
I asked for Favors.....And God gave me Opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted ....And everything I needed!