6 1/2 years ago when Sadie was born there were tears; but the tears weren't so much for grieving the "perfect child" we lost. They were tears of fear. Of not knowing how her disability would affect our family. Tears that I wouldn't be able to parent a child with special needs along with the three I already had. I was scared about the couple of dozen "possible" medical issues we needed to rule out and worried about how to homeschool and attend all the therapy and Dr. visits.
I guess I never really allowed myself to focus on what we lost. It could have to do with our religious belief that Sadie is exactly who she is suppose to be and that Heavenly Father loves her. We also believe that in the pre-existence Sadie fought hard during the war in Heaven before Satan and his 1/3 were cast out. It is believed that Sadie was a valiant warrior who has been blessed by Heavenly Father to still come to earth and gain a body and a family; but because of the Down Syndrome she will be shielded from Satan and his cunning ways. Therefore, she is blessed with protection here on earth and will be restored to 'perfection' in eternity.
Several weeks ago I posted a facebook status saying something along the lines of how I guess I should just face the fact that I shouldn't have anymore babies since I had my hands full and one graduating HS this year. I was surprised to hear some say I had too many kids (in a very nice, based on religious views and upringing way). I made the joke that if I only had two I would have missed out on Hannah and Sadie... that would be sooo sad. Not only would I have missed out on two of the most colorful, fun-loving, entertaining, and full of life kids; but I would have missed out on Down Syndrome, the down syndrome community, and what living with a child with ds has done FOR our family. Noticed how I said FOR and not TO? I think you get the picture :)
Anyway, today I am 9 weeks along in a very "SURPRISE" pregnancy. I won't get into how many crazy feelings and adjustments we have been through; but I would like to make a point. On Friday, after some red flags, we went into the Dr. to find out the baby was measuring three weeks behind and there was no heartbeat. I knew I didn't have the dates wrong; mostly because that date would put me conceiving the day I took the test (which was very much positive). I knew the pregnancy was over... and today that was confirmed.
So, I sit here... grieving for the baby I am losing. For reals... losing! It is a very different feeling than when they place a beautiful almond eyed floppy girl on my chest and I knew the girl I had spent so many months dreaming of would never be joining our family. No... I can honestly say that any tears shed that day were NOT tears of grieving. I had my sweet little baby. My little girl. A daughter of God. She was alive and was ready to be loved by her family. Down Syndrome is not a death sentence. Far from it! Down Syndrome is a hurdle. A journey that has many ups and downs and tears along the way; but a journey filled with laughs, hugs, snuggles, cheers, and memories. A journey I would take again any day... if I had the choice!