Sunday, October 3, 2010

I Would Take This Journey Again... If I Had the Choice!

6 1/2 years ago when Sadie was born there were tears; but the tears weren't so much for grieving the "perfect child" we lost. They were tears of fear. Of not knowing how her disability would affect our family. Tears that I wouldn't be able to parent a child with special needs along with the three I already had. I was scared about the couple of dozen "possible" medical issues we needed to rule out and worried about how to homeschool and attend all the therapy and Dr. visits.

I guess I never really allowed myself to focus on what we lost. It could have to do with our religious belief that Sadie is exactly who she is suppose to be and that Heavenly Father loves her. We also believe that in the pre-existence Sadie fought hard during the war in Heaven before Satan and his 1/3 were cast out. It is believed that Sadie was a valiant warrior who has been blessed by Heavenly Father to still come to earth and gain a body and a family; but because of the Down Syndrome she will be shielded from Satan and his cunning ways. Therefore, she is blessed with protection here on earth and will be restored to 'perfection' in eternity.

Several weeks ago I posted a facebook status saying something along the lines of how I guess I should just face the fact that I shouldn't have anymore babies since I had my hands full and one graduating HS this year. I was surprised to hear some say I had too many kids (in a very nice, based on religious views and upringing way). I made the joke that if I only had two I would have missed out on Hannah and Sadie... that would be sooo sad. Not only would I have missed out on two of the most colorful, fun-loving, entertaining, and full of life kids; but I would have missed out on Down Syndrome, the down syndrome community, and what living with a child with ds has done FOR our family. Noticed how I said FOR and not TO? I think you get the picture :)

Anyway, today I am 9 weeks along in a very "SURPRISE" pregnancy. I won't get into how many crazy feelings and adjustments we have been through; but I would like to make a point. On Friday, after some red flags, we went into the Dr. to find out the baby was measuring three weeks behind and there was no heartbeat. I knew I didn't have the dates wrong; mostly because that date would put me conceiving the day I took the test (which was very much positive). I knew the pregnancy was over... and today that was confirmed.

So, I sit here... grieving for the baby I am losing. For reals... losing! It is a very different feeling than when they place a beautiful almond eyed floppy girl on my chest and I knew the girl I had spent so many months dreaming of would never be joining our family. No... I can honestly say that any tears shed that day were NOT tears of grieving. I had my sweet little baby. My little girl. A daughter of God. She was alive and was ready to be loved by her family. Down Syndrome is not a death sentence. Far from it! Down Syndrome is a hurdle. A journey that has many ups and downs and tears along the way; but a journey filled with laughs, hugs, snuggles, cheers, and memories. A journey I would take again any day... if I had the choice!

11 comments:

JD said...

Wow, I am not sure what to say except what a beautiful post. I had to idea you were expecting. I am sorry to hear about the lose of the pregnancy. It is never an easy thing. I know without a doubt that this was part of Heavenly Father's plan. Having experienced it myself it is not easy but the pain and disappointment will pass. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are amazing and I am here if you need to talk or need someone to listen.

Love,
Janice

Lynda said...

Kari,

Rick and I are so sorry about your loss. We are praying for your family, and love you all very much. xoxoxoxox

Anonymous said...

Kari and Scott,
I can't think of what to say except to say how sorry I am for your loss. That was a beautiful post about your family, thank you for sharing it.
Love, Barbara B

ninthmyers said...

Both of you are an inspiration in what true parents should be, Unconditional love. I wish we all in this world could look at our families with as much love as you express to your family. Keep it up and remember that this too is not the end... I love and appreciate you both more than you will ever know.
Jerry

Stacy said...

I totally "get" everything you said in your blog. I feel the same way totally. I too am very sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage myself once and it is such an upsetting disappointment. Hope your feeling better soon!!

April said...

Kari,
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and your family.

angela michelle said...

oh what an emotional rollercoaster! I am so sorry. I once had a similar experience and just felt sad for a while. Best of luck and best wishes. And thanks for your beautiful perspective.

Julie said...

I'm so sorry, Kari. Surprise or not it's hard not to feel attached to that growing baby in your belly.

This post was beautiful and so full of love and perspective. I remember that facebook convo and it bugged me for DAYS. Families are so personal and individual, as well as the parents who are raising these children. I know for a fact that Heavenly Father sends the right babies to the right families at the right time. You girls are so lucky that they got sent to you.

Thinking of you and hope you feel much love and comfort.

Lauralyn said...

Kari,

I don't know how I missed this post before, but I want you to know how sorry I am that you're going through this. About the time Sadie was born, I went through my second miscarriage in under six months, and it was definitely the hardest thing that's ever happened to me. I remember feeling a little envious of you that Sadie was there with you despite her problems. I hope you feel Heavenly Father's peace and healing in your life.

Love,
Lauralyn

Mormon Mommy Blogs said...

I am sending this to my sister. Thank you so so much.

Mormon Mommy Blogs said...

Oh, and I am so sorry for your loss. I've been there, and it sucks. xoxo.