I'm not sure I will ever publish this post; but I find it very therapeutic to write my feelings. Talking with others sometimes fuels the fire; but writing kinda of puts it out there and helps you let it go. After the last few days, and after writing my last blog post, I have had this heaviness in my heart. I miss my family. I miss having a mom to support and care for me. Watching this new mom of a child with ds and her extended family makes me jealous. I am happy for all their support; but I am angry and pissed off my mom is not here.
She has not passed; but has chosen not to be part of my or my children's life. She is selfish and in my opinion, has not stepped up to be an unconditionally loving parent. I understand why she has a hard time being there for me- but I it doesn't take the pain away. My mom grew up in a dysfunctional home. She married my dad at 18 and found out she was pregnant with me shortly after he was killed in a drunk driving accident. She didn't have family to lean on (because they had abandoned her) and she had a hard time raising me by herself.
Fast forward to years later when I as an adult watch her being the "perfect, supporting mom" for my younger sister and brother. Idolizing everything my sister does and staying home with them, and fighting for them. Even asking them if their homework was done and making sure they only hung out with good kids. Yeah, so I'm jealous. I did a lot of my own raising and I made mistakes and didn't have a mom to bat for me.
I should also mention my youngest brother has a painful disease and my mom has had to fight for his care, education, and watch him struggle in everything. Scott and I married when my sister was two and my brother was only 9 months. I always felt more like an aunt and uncle to them. I called them every first day of school, sent them Easter boxes, had sleepovers with them, helped pay for EFY and letterman jackets. Because I love them.
Ever since I had Sadie it's like my mom was in competition with me on who had it harder. Which kid was sicker. I could never have an honest conversation about how I felt about my new journey with Sadie without her "one upping me" or telling me to get a grip. If anyone knows me they know I am strong. I don't whine; but I was working through things. I felt like I could never live up to my perfect sister, the little peacock princess!
One day while I was talking about how hard taking Sadie to all her appointments and still trying to support a particular difficult older sibling she told me to stop complaining and take her example. Yeah, her example of yelling all the time, and mooching off everyone, and borrowing money that she never planned on giving back, and ignoring her grandkids. What the heck... I appreciate someone telling me not to sit and complain, but isn't your mom suppose to love and support you no matter what?
I hung up on her. Now almost three years later she has never called. The only contact I have had with them is one email charging me for work they did helping with a bathroom during their last visit. The visit I paid for everything including gas, Disneyland passes, all the Christmas presents including ipods, $2,000 to repair their car (the one we bought them for $3,000 and they haven't paid anything on), and hotel money so my sister and my mom could extend their special vacation. Also, I received one message saying my brother was doing well after another surgery I didn't know anything about. Almost like a slap in the face that I wasn't told about it. Can you believe it?
I know I hung up on her; but I am her daughter. Part of being a mom is to suck up and make things better even if you don't think you did anything wrong. She is suppose to support me and love me and be there for her granddaughters. She has missed graduations, surgeries, first days of school, first boyfriends, first dates, first time driving, growing of boobs, and much much more!
I've pretty much resolved the fact that I will never have a relationship with her. She has missed to much and has shown me how little she cared. I mostly am sad for my kids. Sad they don't have a Nana and someone to cheer them for their accomplishments.