Sunday, August 29, 2010

Every Mom Should Have a Mom to Love and Support Her

I'm not sure I will ever publish this post; but I find it very therapeutic to write my feelings. Talking with others sometimes fuels the fire; but writing kinda of puts it out there and helps you let it go. After the last few days, and after writing my last blog post, I have had this heaviness in my heart. I miss my family. I miss having a mom to support and care for me. Watching this new mom of a child with ds and her extended family makes me jealous. I am happy for all their support; but I am angry and pissed off my mom is not here.

She has not passed; but has chosen not to be part of my or my children's life. She is selfish and in my opinion, has not stepped up to be an unconditionally loving parent. I understand why she has a hard time being there for me- but I it doesn't take the pain away. My mom grew up in a dysfunctional home. She married my dad at 18 and found out she was pregnant with me shortly after he was killed in a drunk driving accident. She didn't have family to lean on (because they had abandoned her) and she had a hard time raising me by herself.

Fast forward to years later when I as an adult watch her being the "perfect, supporting mom" for my younger sister and brother. Idolizing everything my sister does and staying home with them, and fighting for them. Even asking them if their homework was done and making sure they only hung out with good kids. Yeah, so I'm jealous. I did a lot of my own raising and I made mistakes and didn't have a mom to bat for me.

I should also mention my youngest brother has a painful disease and my mom has had to fight for his care, education, and watch him struggle in everything. Scott and I married when my sister was two and my brother was only 9 months. I always felt more like an aunt and uncle to them. I called them every first day of school, sent them Easter boxes, had sleepovers with them, helped pay for EFY and letterman jackets. Because I love them.

Ever since I had Sadie it's like my mom was in competition with me on who had it harder. Which kid was sicker. I could never have an honest conversation about how I felt about my new journey with Sadie without her "one upping me" or telling me to get a grip. If anyone knows me they know I am strong. I don't whine; but I was working through things. I felt like I could never live up to my perfect sister, the little peacock princess!

One day while I was talking about how hard taking Sadie to all her appointments and still trying to support a particular difficult older sibling she told me to stop complaining and take her example. Yeah, her example of yelling all the time, and mooching off everyone, and borrowing money that she never planned on giving back, and ignoring her grandkids. What the heck... I appreciate someone telling me not to sit and complain, but isn't your mom suppose to love and support you no matter what?

I hung up on her. Now almost three years later she has never called. The only contact I have had with them is one email charging me for work they did helping with a bathroom during their last visit. The visit I paid for everything including gas, Disneyland passes, all the Christmas presents including ipods, $2,000 to repair their car (the one we bought them for $3,000 and they haven't paid anything on), and hotel money so my sister and my mom could extend their special vacation. Also, I received one message saying my brother was doing well after another surgery I didn't know anything about. Almost like a slap in the face that I wasn't told about it. Can you believe it?

I know I hung up on her; but I am her daughter. Part of being a mom is to suck up and make things better even if you don't think you did anything wrong. She is suppose to support me and love me and be there for her granddaughters. She has missed graduations, surgeries, first days of school, first boyfriends, first dates, first time driving, growing of boobs, and much much more!
I've pretty much resolved the fact that I will never have a relationship with her. She has missed to much and has shown me how little she cared. I mostly am sad for my kids. Sad they don't have a Nana and someone to cheer them for their accomplishments.


The Westbrooks said...

When I read this, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't reading my own mother's blog.

My grandmother has never been there for us either. She never called on our birthdays, Christmas, graduations, or even my wedding. She's very self absorbed and wants everyone to know how terrible her life is.

The wonderful thing about our church (in a strictly non-doctrinal sense) is that as children, we're raised to be around adults. Sure we have primary, but in Sacrament meeting, we all sit together. There are a handful of couples who have become my adopted grandparents-I even call them Grandma & Grandpa. They were the people who-when my brother cut himself with a knife in sacrament meeting, when my sister was crawling under the pews and when we were having all-out fights during the passing of the sacrament-leaned forward to my mom and said "this too shall pass". There are countless others who I refer to as Auntie and Uncle; because they stood in for my real ones who lived far away. They were the ones who supported my parents and gave them advice, who put my siblings and I in our places when we wouldn't listen to our own parents, and they're the ones who love us more than our own family.

I'm a firm believer in the idea that you can choose your own family. I understand the concept that we were sent here with biological families, but sometimes, they just plain suck. I'm sure there are people your age and older who your girls feel they can turn to. Those are the people who are excited for your children (and you too!) as they embark upon new adventures. Graft those people into your family and count your blessings that your children have at least a few good adults that they can turn to-even if they're not related. :)

Holly said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I appreciate your comment!

WOW!! I'm relating a LOT here!! *sigh* I was the youngest of 3 and my parents divorced when I was 1. Fast forward 3 marriages later and she starts having 3 more when I was 8. She STAYED with this guy BECAUSE of the 3 she had with him is SPITE of me going to bishops in 2 different locations after pleading with her about his abuse fell on deaf ears. We moved immediately after both times and I was threatened not to embarrass our family again. Fast forward again to her divorcing him FINALLY, but not soon enough for him not to damage his own children. UGH!!

I lived far away much of the time I was having my little ones. Between FL, Guam and CA. Even the times I lived close, she had a non existent relationship with my kids. However, the YOUNGER 3 and their kids... are WITH HER ALL THE TIME!! Then she is offended that my kids don't make more of an effort to come visit... WHY would they??? Has she EVER gone out of her way to DO ANYTHING for them?? My daughter moved into her own home with her husband 2 years ago and invited her to come see. Has she YET??? (You guessed it...)

My relationship is distant and fine as long as reality is pretended to not exist. She recreates history to her liking and pretends that she is devoted and everyone else takes her for granted. When she literally kicked me out at 16 so she and "that man... because I couldn't be supportive of him...) could get on with THEIR family... I told myself I would NEVER ASK her for ANYTHING. And I haven't.

So, I feel your pain and know that it's real. But also, take pride in knowing that you have become a better mother than what you were raised with, and your children are blessed by that. Heavenly Father made you strong!

(((BIG HUGS)))

XtieHere said...

Big Hugs and prayers for you Kari! I hope you know you are loved, and as one poster said - we can choose the people that we love.....whether it be a dance teacher, someone from church, a friend in the neighborhood....Those gaps can be filled with someone who loves and adores you and your girls! Love and Friendship - Kristi

April said...

Thank you for being so honest with your feelings and emotions. I am sorry that you too got the short end of the stick in the mother department (my mom had me when she was 17) . Please know that you are not alone, and by sharing, you help others who are experiencing similar situations to feel as though they are not the only one. May I suggest a book that I found incredibly helpful to me when I was having similar feelings toward my own mom, "Shattered Hopes, Renewed Hearts" by Maribeth Ekey. This book really helped me to let go and grieve the mom I wished I always had. I would be happy to let you borrow it. Please let me know if you would like me to send it to you.